Artwork: John Veeken www.johnveeken.com

Maria Von Trapp was prancing about in an Alpine meadow in the Austrian Alps, singing her way into our hearts, when she tripped on a shoelace, fell and hit her head. She was quite alright, but found she was noticeably deaf. NOW SING ON . . .

The hills are alive with the sound of what?

With whats being shouted for a thousand years

The hills fill my ears with the sound of rot

Heard through me well-buggered ears

My heart wants to cringe from the inner-ear shrieks

That rise like a cicada on speed

My heart wants to hear like a chime that I seek

But flies away on a breeze

To laugh like a brook at how silly it is

When I mis-hear bash for pash

To sing through the night

And go to bed when I crash

I go to the hills now me hearing is shot

I know I won’t hear what I’ve heard before

My heart will be blessed with the sound of what?

And I’ll just carry on once more

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Oh Hey Me

Oh! I’m deaf, I’m really deaf

Hey! I’ll need a hearing aid

Me! I know, I can’t lipread

Farrr! I wanna add a “k”

So? A new bionic ear?

Bar! Because I need a gin

Pee! Because I’ve had a few

That will bring us back to oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

 

When you read you begin with A B C

When you’re deaf you begin with what – was – that?

Jee – sus Christ! The first three words just happen to be

What’d you say? And all that stupid-shit a-gain and a-gain!

 

 

 

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Not Some of my Favourite Things

Not knowing why all the people are laughing

Don’t get the words when the good times are starting

Jokes just go flying like birds on the wing

These are not some of my favourite things

 

Brooks seem to babble by using sign language

Gone is the crunch of the chips in a sandwich

Rice Bubbles no longer snap crack and ping

These are not some of my favourite things

 

When the cat appears to meow

When the lark appears to sing

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my not-favourite things

And Jesus I feel worse

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Forty going on sixty

I am forty going on sixty

Jesus, I need a drink

I’m going deafer

Ain’t getting better

Baby I’m on the brink

Enter Leisl, prancing about in an alpine meadow

in the Austrian Alps, singing her way into our hearts.

You are forty look like seventy

You silly deaf old fart

Such fun to tease you

Cover my mouth too

Oh hey that’s just a blast!

 

You are sixteen going on fifteen

Yr attitude really sucks

You call me Deafie,

I’ll call you Deisel

A smelly old engine truck

 

You are forty going on fourteen

Calling me dreadful names

Such bad examples

In me will rankle

And stunt my developing brain

 

You are sixteen going on thirteen

Watch what you say and do

I’ll learn me some signs

And I’ll have fun times

Flipping the bird to you

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Note from the editor: We advise that Ms Von Trapp subsequently fell in with a radical Austrian Deaf Pride group. Within a month she had begun a relationship, organised a Deaf Rights rally in Salzburg, and had two affairs. But still, she continued to prance about in the Alpine meadows, singing her way into our hearts, with minor changes to the words.

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My Favourite Things (reprise)

That awful clamour when people are shouting

Of hideous bashing of plates there’s no doubting

It’s all the same when I don’t hear a thing

These are a few of my favourite things

 

Now I let rip when I’m bloated and gassy

Don’t hear a thing so I will not be fussy

The silence of drips when they plop and they pling

These are a few of my favourite things

 

When the dog farts

When the soldiers march

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my favourite things

Then I feel fanbloodytastic

 

Next time: In the Garden of Eden, Adam, who is deaf, tries to work out what’s going on with Eve, God and a chatty serpent with a bad French accent in Paradise What?